Broken Glass and a Reliable Repairman

"I receive you now into my life, Lord Jesus, never to sin again."

Ah. I sinned oooo. And those exact sins are what I did again and again. Rinse and repeat.

Each time I would fall into my frail humanity, I would beat myself up and wallow.

"What believer are you? Such a hypocrite!"

"See yourself, posting verses yet dying in sin."

"What a waste of a salvation prayer."

My mind would spin, and I would go into a spiral. I was wrapped in shame and disgrace. I did not want to talk to God, let alone see Him. I was a waste, after all. I looked at the Bible with a distant glare and closed it shut, hid it under my academic books and walked away. I was a hypocrite after all. I would then turn to my distractions to numb the pain of betraying my saviour again. What would follow would be, "Why am I pretending anyway? I have already started the sin cycle. Let me complete what I began." And so there I was, a walking mess. Hot with shame, I continued to sin because I felt I had no other option. Trying to please the (dark) crowd of witnesses cheering me, except that they weren't the Hebrews 12:1 kind. I wanted the voices of torment to stop, so I continued.

But I died inside each time.

Every church service was like a hot blade being driven through my jugular. Every "Hey!" from a devout church member would sink like a rock into my heart. I felt like I was an intruder.

So I stopped attending church service.

I thought they would judge me. Believers can judge each other, you know. I did not want either pure or impure judgment on me in any way, so to protect the remaining part of my seared dignity, I became untraceable.

I made new friends. These seemed less judgmental. They applauded my dramatic escapades, and they laughed at my crude jokes. They seemed to prefer rough language, so I bent to their ideals. The more crass my tongue was, the better. See, I was becoming popular! They kept tabs on my stories to ensure I followed through with them. We sat for hours, gossiping, exchanging notes on our list of wild adventures, and cooking together. At least, some good came out of our exchanges; we ate.

These new friends had colourful lifestyles. Care-free but responsible in a sense. They made sure they came to work on time, even if they did not sleep in their homes. They made sure the tasks were done and any roles that needed delegation were addressed appropriately. They said hello to the watchman at the gate and goodnight to the finance teams as they closed the office (why do they leave last, btw?). See, they were good in a sense. No one at work was hurt. They would enjoy weekends in different cities, enjoying life with different suitors, imbibing whatever drink their bodies could endure. And then there was me, the girl fighting two identities.

"Just accept who you are. Let go! This Jesus thing is hurting your style!" Said one. He sounded right. I was fighting a losing battle. I was a lively person, and I deserved to let loose once in a while (or many times).

So, I saw the lives my companions enjoyed, and I made my version. Adventurous with a touch of godly. A Jesus baddie. A little indulgence here and there, with some restraint because I had an image to uphold. My M.O. was complete. I had a sense of peace for a time. Or at least until the torment came again.

A Cold Day on Earth

"Where are you? I am on my way!" M responded and hung up immediately. He was quick to respond whenever I needed him. He was the only friend I had at the time who understood the inner battles I faced. He was quick to help with my work requests, especially when I needed to go about my Jesus baddie businesses. He also talked to me from time to time, urging me to live righteously.

The request today, however, was different. He was responding not to the lively woman always under bright lights, but to a shadow of a being, tired of a double life and tired of life altogether.

He broke into my house with Normal Saline and an Intravenous Set at hand. He saw me and immediately knew what had just happened. He slapped my left wrist to look for a visible vein. He tried his best. I had well-articulated green veins. You could see the patterns, but struggled to get one. Small veins, they said. He somehow came with a stroke of luck. I guess it was not my day to go, after all.

A transient period of gastritis and bodily weakness ensued. I waited to see if more symptoms would show up. I waited to see if I would be one of the stories of people who died after seeming recovery from self-induced chemical poisoning. I did not. I kept waking up.

Why did I keep waking up?

Still at Sub Zero

Each day felt like a century. I had to go back home to be taken care of and kept on suicide watch.

My room smelled like forgotten dreams, and my weight dropped like I was being paid for an emaciated role in a top box office movie. Food tasted like rusted metal, so I did not eat.

I was broken.

My room was 10 feet deep into a mix of clean and dirty clothes. My phone was dry. No calls, texts, nothing. No fun friends, no fun hang-out ideas, nothing. They were busy. Days were dull, and nights were torturous. I scrolled myself to the end of the social media feeds. I would refresh my page 20 times a minute because there was no new news. It was bad. I was oppressed.

BUT GOD

I sat at the end of my bed on one dull afternoon, and I faced God for the first time in many years. I told Him the truth for the first time in a long while. And I told Him that he was all I had left and that I was at the end of my race. I told Him that if He could get me out of my state, I would go back to Him. For real.

It was as if God was waiting for me to say those words. He quickly sent people. I think of them now as angels in human form. They prayed over me. They waged war over my mind. They spoke life into my spirit and defibrillated my dying heart.

The numbness in my heart suddenly lifted in one day after a long session of prayer and contention. And I went to sleep. And for the first time in almost one year, I slept. A deep sleep. Uninterrupted and sound. I woke up more than 20 hours later famished and ate. I felt like a baby deer on day one of life!

Freedom

Several years have passed, and looking back on my dark days, I see why God had me go through my prodigal moments. Something in me had to die for Him to live. And I had to see for myself how depraved my heart was, as well as my need for restoration to a Perfect God.

He gave me a new community, sound teachers and most importantly, the Holy Spirit who dwells inside of me.

My journey to Jesus has multiple layers and different angles to it that are too complex to cover in one single blog post. I have gone through many troughs and high points in the journey of intimacy with Christ, but one thing I do, "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14 NKJV.)

I thank God I reached the end of myself and allowed God in.

Now to you

When you slip even to the slightest, do not turn away. Run to God. He made you. He knows you. Seek Him for strength to remain in Him and do not rely on your strength (you will fail!). He can help you overcome the nature in you that opposes Him. (Jude 1:24-25)

The godly community you keep will be crucial in keeping you grounded and Christ-focused. Give entrusted fellows 'meddling rights.' It will be useful in sticky situations. (Galatians 6:1-2 and Hebrews 10:25)

Reject the voice of the enemy. Condemnation and shame are his biggest affronts to the believer, especially in the state of sin. Consider David, who committed adultery and murder in a single sweep. He kept His account short with God and perhaps reasoned that his fallenness is not the enemy's business, but an affair to be dealt with in-house between son and Father. Think of that today. Keep the devil out of your business by reporting your heart to the Lord often, honestly and quickly. God loves you, no matter what you have done! (Psalm 66:18-20).

Retort to the enemy's thought projections with God's word (Ephesians 6:17). It works better than Instagram affirmations, I promise. Remember John 10:10. The devil wants to take you wallowing in sin and torment, and his best bet is that you exit this earth prematurely before you make peace with God. Thank God that did not work on me!

Remember, you have been adopted INDEFINITELY into God's family. There's nothing you can do about it! Read Romans 8:37-39 and Romans 8:15.

Finally, remember sin begets sin (James 1:14-16). A small leak gives way to a sinking ship. Stop yourself while the train is yet to depart. Or better yet, before the train goes too far in the opposite direction.

Praying with you in earnest,

W.